Enters President Uhuru Kenyatta
Uhuru: Holy Father, I am a sinner, a great sinner.
Pope: No sin is unforgivable unless it is a sin against the Holy Spirit
Uhuru: (sighs) Holy Father, I misled the nation.
Pope: Like Ahab did?
Uhuru: (silent) Yes Holy Father…I lied to the nation that I could lead. Truth is, I cannot.
Pope: Lying is sinful.
Uhuru: I have also engaged in extra…
Pope: Extra what?
Uhuru: (Thinks…) Extra-curricular activities…
Pope: Extra-curricular activities are good for your health
Uhuru: Yes but I caused a lot of pain to…
Pope: To whom?
Uhuru: To…(he lies) the people who elected me.
Pope: The six judges?
Uhuru: No. The six million Kenyans…
Pope: You are lying again…
Uhuru: I am a sinner Holy Father (sobs).
Pope: I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Do not engage in electoral malpractice in 2017. Preach peace and build an all inclusive nation for Kenyans irrespective of their tribe. Recite one Hail Mary every day for the remainder of your term.
Uhuru: Amen. Holy Father did you just mention spirit? Which one is this?
Pope: Holy Spirit
Uhuru: May I get a glass?
Pope: May God once again absolve you from your sins.
Enters…DP William Ruto
DP Ruto: Holy Father, I am a sinner but not as sinful as the one who walked out. I am a hustler. By the way, can we amend the Bible to read: land of Abraham, William and Jacob? My brother Isaac does not deserve any parcel of land, he is fighting me in Bomet.
Pope: Blessed are the meek, they shall inherit the earth.
DP Ruto: When is this inheritance? I humble myself before you a sinner.
Pope: What are your sins?
DP Ruto: I have a problem with open space. The devil keeps misleading me.
Pope: Open space?
DP Ruto: Yes, like St. Peter’s Square. By the way, how many acres is St. Peter’s Square?
Pope: It is smaller than the Hague.
DP Ruto: (Goes mute)
Pope: So you have broken God’s commandment number six?
DP Ruto: Yes
Pope: Any other sins?
DP Ruto: I am at the Hague and it is becoming too much to handle. I was fixed.
Pope: God has a plan for you but most certainly you are not Moses. It is not for me to judge. Go and look at the victims in the eye and cry with them. Children are holy; let them play as they wish. Your sins are forgiven, recite 20 Hail Mary, 30 Our Father and 66 Glory Be every day.
DP Ruto: Amen (looking more worried).
Waiguru: Holy Father I have sinned
Pope: What are your sins my daughter?
Waiguru: I…I…lied to the public I was advised by my doctor to resign.
Pope: Okay. Why did you resign?
Waiguru: I was pricked by my conscience. Holy Father pray for me (Sobs)
Pope: Where is the lost money?
Waiguru: I do not know Holy Father…
Pope: You do not know?
Pope: May the Lord give you courage to speak the truth. He is the truth and the light. You will seek Blessed Virgin Mary’s intercession every day by reciting the whole rosary until you confess all your sins…
Waiguru: But Holy Father my doctor advised me to only undertake light duties…
Pope: Yes, the duty I have given you shall lead you to light…you may now go.
Muhoho: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
Pope: O who is this speaking Latin?
Muhoho: My name is George Muhoho, a former Catholic priest.
Pope: Okay. It is good you discerned and made a decision to leave.
Muhoho: Holy Father, I am a great sinner. I have immersed myself in the worldly wealth. I am deeply pained by this. I still deserve a place in heaven.
Pope: It is easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God. Take your wealth and distribute it to the poor. Take care of the landless, give them land. Nothing is greater than showing love to the poor and the downtrodden.
Muhoho: (Quiet) Holy Father, this might be…im..possible…
Pope: I told you…the camel has gone through the eye of a needle…now go and recite the rosary’s mysteries of sorrow. Your sins are forgiven.
Kibaki: I am a sinner Holy Father, I am a sinner
Pope: What are your sins?
Kibaki: I rigged elections in 2007 and caused the death of innocent Kenyans. I also have two.
Pope: Two what?
Kibaki: I mean two (twitches his lips uncomfortably)…two (raises two fingers…doesn’t realize the pope is facing down on the other side of the box)…Yes two…against Catholic teachings. I have not been receiving the communion as a result.
Pope: Aah…you are polygamous?
Kibaki: No, no I didn’t say that. I only have one wife…her name is Lucy. It is these people of media.
Pope: Your sins are forgiven and you may join the community of faithful during communion tomorrow at the holy mass.
As Kibaki walks out, a Swiss guard walks in with an envelope…he hands it over to the pope. The pope opens it:
“My name is Moses Kuria. I am a sinner. I have incited Kenyans against themselves on a number of occasions, asking them to take up machetes and kill our enemies. I confess on behalf of Maina Kamanda as well. I have also constantly referred to some Kenyans as kihii or foreskin because they are uncircumcised; in Israel they would be called Gentiles. This was wrong and it made me look unfortunately short of reason.
I am unable to personally make my confession because I am currently locked in at a cell in Langata, not far from the biggest Cemetery. The issue is that I was planning to confess that it is Jubilee, and not Raira, who fixed DP Ruto at the Hague. As a result, DP Ruto might never survive at the Hague. I had to say this because I experience nightmares every night. I am tired…it kills my soul. This power thing is all vanity. Vanity of all vanities!”
Pope shakes his head and says: God save this beautiful country. Save your people. They have refused to follow your commandments. Power is for the people to benefit not for a few greedy individuals to cause violence and war.
Enters Kalonzo Musyoka
Musyoka: Holy Father, I am saved and I love Jesus. However, my heart is heavy. I let down the nation when they needed a voice of reason. I supported an illegitimate government in 2007. And now they call me watermelon.
Pope: Neither hot nor cold…lukewarm. St. Paul says.
Pope: But now you have seen the light, stick there. Your sins are forgiven. Recite two Hail Mary and one Glory Be.
RAO: Holy Father, I am a sinner…but first please pray for me and my country. We have gone wrong.
Pope: Are you Raila Odinga?
RAO: Yes Holy Father
Pope: From today you are Moses Raila Odinga. You will lead your people to the Promised Land.
RAO: Amen Holy Father. My sin is that I have at times dishonoured my Sabbath day.
Pope: Always try to obey the Sabbath but remember Moses, not all those who kneel before the Lord and shout ‘Lord Lord’ are holy. Do you remember the parable of the mustard seed?
RAO: Yes. From one seed grew a big tree that produced many more seeds.
Pope: And that is your work today, as you fight for righteous leadership remember this country needs many more Railas to continue with the quest of delivering the people from bad leadership. Your sins are forgiven. Sing a hymn to the lord every day.
Pope: And I brought you a gift, this little rosary shall guide you in your change movement. (He hands RAO a simple rosary, orange in color). Keep to the promise
NTV: Holy Father, I seek to confess…unlike other media houses, I always speak the truth.
Pope: You have always spoken your truth…your sins are forgiven. Play your role diligently and stop reporting your truth, report the people’s truth. The real truth…for the sake of the people. I want you to be like Mohammed Ali. Vox populi, vox dei, in saecula saeculorum…in nomine patris, et fili, et spiritus sancte…
NTV: Holy Father, how do I report that? Translate?
Pope: Say amen…go in peace to build this beautiful country
End of confessions. The pope leaves to meet married priests and other sinners…